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The Importance of Fellowship: Why You Need it (Yes, You)

Published by Colin June 2, 2009 in Religion and Theology. 36 Comments

This is part of an eight part series on the importance of fellowship. Read the other parts here:

Part 8: Unconditional Love
Part 7: Honesty
Part 6: Fighting Superficiality
Part 5: Sanctification
Part 4: Why You Need It (Yes You)
Part 3: Dealing With A Dead or Dying Church
Part 2: Accountability
Part 1: Introduction

On the opposite side of the spectrum from those who desperately want fellowship but are struggling to get it going, there are also those of us who, for one reason or another, aren’t interested in it whatsoever.

Some of this goes back to what I said in part I, namely that we think because God has a personal, individual relationship with us, that His use of other people to speak to us will be severely limited, or is perhaps some kind of “lesser” intervention than direct revelation of some kind. But I suspect that much of it also is a desire to avoid the consequences of fellowship - change, humility, challenge and accountability among other things.

Risks and Rewards?
For others, we simply don’t like the risk that is opened up with fellowship. Giving someone a challenge means that they might not take it well, and may not like you anymore. We can see the whole world exploding from one single, “I noticed that you tend to call other drivers idiots and make unkind gestures to them regularly.” In response to this observation, we see our friends standing over us, turning bright red and screaming at us - “HOW DARE YOU!” Soon, it gets out and everyone then thinks we’re a self-righteous jerk for saying this. By the time it gets around the church you swore at them, told them off for an hour and punched them in the face. You are excommunicated by the pope himself and when you all go to heaven no one likes you and you sit around your golden mansion all day, alone and miserable while everyone else glories God among the nations.

Maybe that’s not your nightmare, but I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t get tremendously worried and fearful when offering challenge to someone. I’ve botched up some challenges in my life and done everything from making close friends mad for a few days to infuriating leaders and half their family for months. Sometimes it happens because you say and do dumb things when you offer a challenge (by “dumb” I mean “sinful” - there is no nice way to say it), but often it happens because (big surprise) people are proud and don’t like to be challenged.

It is possibly the case that the larger your fear of challenging others, the more problem you yourself may have with the gentle correction of others. I know that I imagine people getting upset with me because I myself don’t really like to be challenged. And while I might not yell at them or threaten them, some part of me is often thinking - “How dare they say this to me! And by what right?”

Look to Your Own Heart
A church leader and friend of mine has an excellent saying that he repeats at times (it may not even be his point originally). He says that when we find ourselves offended or angry at the criticisms or rebukes of others, we need to ask ourselves what kind of idol within us is being challenged. It’s one thing to acknowledge that someone has brought an inaccurate criticism, or that they have brought an accurate criticism inappropriately or with sin themselves. But if you find yourself responding in bitterness or feeling “wounded” by a legitimate point, then you need to ask yourself what kind of idol is being attacked.

For myself, I know that if I am having trouble dealing with a gentle correction from a friend or mentor, its usually for any number of reasons:

My sense of my own righteousness has been challenged: I think I am generally moral person and shouldn’t have to put up with someone correcting me.
My vanity or image has been challenged: I want to appear moral or knowledgeable because I feel it gives me status or makes me worthy of respect.
My discomfort with rejection: I want others to like me and to think well of me.

I’m sure there are others, but these are some things that I have to watch out for. You might recognize these in yourself as well.

The point is that a negative reaction to critique - even if justified - probably still carries with it some sin on your part. Indwelling sin tells us this - that we are all sinners in need of a saviour. We have to look to our own sin first and look for truth in the rebukes of others.
Continue reading ‘The Importance of Fellowship: Why You Need it (Yes, You)’

The Importance of Fellowship: Introduction

Published by Colin May 18, 2009 in Religion, Christian Books and Theology. 15 Comments

This is part of an eight part series on the importance of fellowship. Read the other parts here:

I have only switched churches once in my life - and this was not out of any significant doctrinal disagreements, personal problems or discipline - but simply due to an international relocation. We also had plenty of time to select a new church, as we had over a year to prepare for the move. Our criteria for a new church included the following:

sound biblical teaching, with an emphasis on exposition and inductive methodology
contemporary, “spirit-led” worship
emphasis on complementarianism
evangelism-minded
small to moderately sized (50-300 persons)

What is missing from the list? At the time, we didn’t even really consider it as an issue of fundamental importance - but fellowship has now become something that is absolutely essential to any church that we are part of. In fact, it has become so primary that our entire view of what “church” is has been changed - to the point where the terms “fellowship” and “church” are functionally inseparable.

What Fellowship Is Not
Part of the reason we came to care less about fellowship was because biblical fellowship takes a very explicit and purposeful effort on behalf of all Christians (leadership and members) in both theological understanding and biblical application. Some churches suffer from theological ignorance (this is not meant to be derogatory) - they do their very best to apply fellowship, but, not having a grasp on that thing which they should apply, their application is a crapshoot at best. Or they understand what biblical fellowship is but are either unwilling to apply it or struggle to understand how to do this.

Where there is ignorance of fellowship, the word “fellowship” will be still be in operation, but it will describe something other than fellowship. It might be potlucks and campouts, church softball games and barbecues or even group retreats and bible studies. But simply being around other Christians is hardly fellowship - non-Christians do this all the time. They gather in groups. They share common interests. They talk.

In his chapter on fellowship in Why Small Groups? (a book I recommend for any Christian, and daresay, would almost mandate for any leader), John Loftness says the following:

In its neglect, Christians have redefined fellowship to mean any warm human interchange — especially when we make connection with someone and discover that we have common interests, experiences, or viewpoints. …Fellowship is not (at least not necessarily) going to a Bible study with someone, or sharing doctrinal commitments, or attending a Christian men’s rally where emotions run deep and passions are high. Fellowship is not found in a “group therapy” session where participants reveal their darkest thoughts—even if everyone in the group is a Christian and brings a Bible. In fact, two Christians can be married to one another and still not experience fellowship.

Consider the last line. People could live together, share meals with one another, bear their souls and even be physically intimate and not be in fellowship.

My Own Account
One of the things about our new church that struck me, almost instantly - was the fellowship, only at the time I didn’t realise this is what attracted me. In fact, I had pretty much given up on fellowship - or at least what I had come to accept as the biblical definition of the term.

For example, I don’t like small talk. I don’t care what you think of the weather. I didn’t come to church to chat with you about the local sports team. Your smile seems fake to me. And I don’t get the impression you care about me when you ask me a couple quick questions, pat me on the back and then move on to the next person to repeat the same routine with them.

Why would I stick around before and after church for this?

Perhaps I want to know what God is doing in your life - and not just that “God is good” - but how is he good? Perhaps I want you to help me with an area where I am weak. Maybe I need a word of real encouragement. Maybe I would like to have a discussion where we consider the grace of God, and how we can know more about it. Maybe we might take some time to work through the finer points of the second coming, how it will look and challenge one another to eagerly await it. It may be that we need correction from one another.

I walked in the doors on our new church and I decided not to play it safe. I began an in-depth conversation right away with one of the guys setting up chairs. I expected a quick change of subject, an uncomfortable look or even a recitation of Isaiah 55:8-9. But the guy seemed just as eager to talk to me about it. We even had some fundamental disagreements about free-will and God’s sovereignty, but we weren’t debating or just conversing for its own sake, we were bringing these subjects into articulation, and subsequently considering what these doctrines meant about how we were to live our lives. It was exhilarating.

The next day, we went on a walk with this church and again, I found myself deep in theological discussion with two members of the church. It didn’t feel like a one-way conversation, where I was imposing this on people who would rather discuss something a little more politically correct. In fact, I was being asked these things and the conversation was being pursued just as excitedly by them. Other members of the church didn’t avoid us like the plague- but it seemed very normal and standard to them.

We became addicted to fellowship very quickly. It made logical sense to open up to such people. Here were people who were actively pursuing the application of God’s word in their lives. Church members, even the pastors, felt no qualms about seeking criticism and constructive input in how they could live holier lives. They wanted correction. Rather than keep me at a safe distance - they wanted me to use the gifts and insights God had given me to help them. And I found the insight and gifts God had given them easier to receive - seeing this tremendous benefit.

This is the budding of fellowship:

In short, fellowship with others begins with an honest, open, obedient relationship with God rooted in the truth of his Word. How we share that relationship with others—how we wrestle with understanding truth and struggle to apply it to our lives—is the essence of fellowship. Thus, fellowship has one source and two channels. The one source is God. The two channels—both to be understood in the light of Scripture—are the work of the Spirit directly in our hearts, and the work of the Spirit through other believers.

Fellowship is a foundational aspect of the Christian walk. I hope to continue to explore fellowship - looking at accountability, church life, small groups and dealing with a lack of fellowship.

Part two here.

When Extremism Becomes Mainstream - Christianity Edition

Published by Colin September 15, 2008 in Essays, Religion and Politics. 3 Comments

Since I wrote my last piece on this subject, I have had the time to think a little more about the nature of cultural and political shifting over time. I’ve realized that the principles I examined apply just as easily to other arenas as well - including religion. When one of our forum members posted a link last week to this study, I could very easily see that another look was needed.

Less than one in five Christians had the following characteristics:

* Believe salvation comes through Jesus Christ
* Committed churchgoers
* Bible readers
* Accept leadership positions
* Invest in personal faith development through the church
* Feel obligated to share faith; 79% do so.

I would argue that these are the mainstream features in the bible and of the major figures in Christianity. But yet why is it that four in five people calling themselves by the very same name do not share all of these values?

Christianity is considered the mainstream religion in the western world and the US but only 1/5 of the people who identify themselves in the mainstream seem to actually abide by these basic principles. In other words, four fifths of the mainstream have adopted an extreme version of Christianity while still identifying it, describing it and surrounding it in those traditions and terms which define it historically.

This explains part of my last article, where I maintain that “Christianity” is likely much more of a threat to the United States (for example) than radical Islam. This is why: when four fifths of the dominant religion, while still couched as one thing, are openly acting to various degrees in opposition to that thing, we have a massive break from reality on the behalf of most Christians. It is no wonder that many Christians (probably even including the first group) generally support such reckless, irresponsible and reactionary politics and are the greatest threat for ushering in destructive policies and leaders.

Evangelizing “Evangelicals”
But moving away from the politics of it, consider that this means that a good portion of people whom bible-believing Christians will evangelize are people who already consider themselves Christian! No wonder such seeker-friendly methods such as relationship and friendship evangelism or the “four spiritual laws” are complete failures - they use terminology that most people think they already know and abide by (so they believe).

If I say to a member of the other four fifths:

Jesus loves you and died on the cross for your sin

then we might see the dissonance. Whereas I would mean:

Jesus loves you - in that you were deserving of hell because you are a sinful, wicked person who has broken God’s law and deserve god’s wrath and judgement. But Jesus showed his love by enduring your punishment for you so that you could be forgiven from your sins.

But he, believing he already is a Christian, might hear:

God (whoever he is, I guess Jesus is one way to view God) does indeed think I am swell and good. That story about him on the cross reminds me that I am loved and encourages me to live a good, self-sacrificing life.

This is our challenge and the great failure of the Church since it was first birthed.

Like a Man Who sees Himself in the Mirror…
The propensity of men to continually move farther and farther from some point in history, while still proclaiming that they really haven’t moved at all, is astounding. How many times is Spurgeon, Luther, Calvin, Paul or Jesus quoted to give legitimacy to some idea or doctrine that they would have never supported or approved? I am not talking a Simpson’s episode that is done openly in jest, I am talking about an idea within “the Church” that is sold as a legitimate extension of some traditional leader or scriptural doctrine. I would throw in here everything from egalitarianism on the liberal side to hyper-Calvinism on the conservative side.

I suspect this has come about with Christianity in the same way it has come about in politics - through a lack of independent, critical thinking and also blind devotion and trust of leadership. In the same way that George W. Bush or John McCain is eventually just accepted and amalgamated into conservative political ideology so too are men like Joel Osteen or Rick Warren embraced as bible-believing theologians. I am not saying these men aren’t saved, but I am saying that their books and teachings often try to lend the authority of God to extra-biblical or even unbiblical ideas.

Examples: Prophecy, Guidance
But that is really the problem. Take most of the first fifth’s view on prophecy. Many will say that the New Testament “gift” of prophecy is exactly the same as the kind of massive, authoritative pictures that Ezekiel got from God. An otherwise bible-believing Christian has no problem elevating a dream (possibly the product of last night’s fettuccine alfredo) to the same authority as a “thus saith the Lord” from the Old Testament prophets.

We see this same product with mysticism and divination in guidance - X worked out well, it must be God’s will. Or X didn’t work out, plus I had a feeling about it - therefore it must not be God’s will. With so many Christians, even with generally biblical theology, placing the authority of God to personal impressions or circumstances - it is no surprise that objective anchors such as the bible are given a lower and lower place. Nominally, of course, the bible will always take the highest place, but functionally, it will continue to lose influence.

The World is Up in Arms - But Not Really
Some might object to both these articles and say that I am over-exaggerating the problem as we aren’t seeing everything blowing up in Christianity or the society at large. But that is precisely my point - it would be healthy if people were up in arms over the kind of ideals, worldviews, policies and doctrines that are dominating the culture, but aside from the vocal minority, most people are content with the current streams of debate and discourse. So while there is plenty of argument in the Church - it is often more about something trivial like whether homosexuals should legally marry rather than whether perseverance of the saints is a acceptable teaching.

Solving Interpersonal Conflicts Biblically

Published by Colin January 17, 2008 in Religion. 28 Comments

I wanted to take a break from my normal ultra-political writing to focus on an area that is tremendously important to my faith. As a Christian, I am thrust into a body of believers, all of whom I will be spending an eternity with in heaven. I hope God has got a plan for making everyone get along when we’re up there, because down here it seems that Christians are at each other’s throats just as much as anyone else.

As I see conflict in my church, and hear of it in other places through anecdote, I have noticed what appears to be a basic divergence from scriptural teaching on dealing with the inevitable personality clash. Often, it seems the most minor disagreement or misunderstanding has a propensity to balloon into a bigger issue - and soon people are no longer speaking, leaving churches or having emotionally charged confrontations. While not all of this can be avoided, I think there are some clear principles in scripture that help us to handle one another.

Jesus Speaks on the Issue
In two separate places, Jesus himself dealt with the issue of interpersonal conflict. Here is Matthew’s account:

…if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector (Matthew 18:15-17).

And also in the sermon on the mount:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny (Matthew 5:23-26).

Clearly, the bible declares that we should confront these issues head on, even forsaking spiritual things for a moment to “be reconciled.” A church full of smiling people, singing together and worshiping - who also happen to be in unresolved conflicts, or at enmity with each other is a major problem if we take these verses at face value.

Authority is Last, Not First
However, I think much of the conflicts within the church, especially in mainline American churches, are less about enmity and more about communication breakdowns (not heeding the primary advice in the passage to “go and tell him his fault”).

As far as I know, I have had very few conflicts in my own church of ten years. But it is alarming that when I have been informed of a word in error, or an insensitive action, it has been from authority first, and rarely ever from the person whom I have faulted. It seems that Christians have bought into the “tattle-tale” victim-based society in which we live. For example, when Billy calls Jamie a name, Jamie runs screaming to the teacher. In my wife’s classroom, she won’t even listen to Jamie until she goes to Billy and attempts to resolve the conflict with him herself. This is successful often, and so Christians are made to look more immature than first-graders.

How to Handle Confrontation
Scripture gives clear guidance on how to deal with confrontations as well.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another (Galatians 5:22-25).

This famous passage of scripture is a pragmatic guide to dealing with other people in the body. First of all, we are to take a moment (my recommendation) and consider that we are to be kind in confrontation, and exercising self-control. This is critical if we are to accurately communicate our case to the believer without being inflammatory or offensive ourselves.

This is easier to do if we remember some basic things that are true of many conflicts:

Christians are on the same team. Many conflicts arise because of a disagreement on how to arrive at a shared goal. It is critical to acknowledge that the other person still shares Christ in common and isn’t trying to undermine our whole world. It is often helpful before a confrontation, to work down from broad things of agreement so as to reveal the detail that is in conflict.
Presumption of innocence. Most people don’t deliberately like to go around offending or hurting people. In most conflicts I have observed, one party is either ignorant or unaware that they have even done anything. Rather than retreat into self-imposed victimhood (”they should know what they did”), we have to assume that the other party really did not want to cause such distress.
Pray for them. This is not to be confused with fake “prayer requests” to others, which are gossip-based. This is individual prayer, to God, praying for the other party in general. Prayer for their marriage, or job or whatever. This helps acknowledge the first two principles.
Forgive. Forgiveness is not conditional. We are not to hold grudges until someone apologizes or pays us back or whatever. We are to forgive without question, because we were forgiven in the same way.

Doing these things before addressing a conflict are helpful ways to dispel the discomfort of confrontation. In fact, if successful in practicing these things, a confrontation is no longer a battle of enemies, but an opportunity to resolve an error in communication between to allies.

How to Perpetuate and Augment a Conflict
Even if none of the above seem correct or accurate, or another way seems better, there are basic things that are almost always going to make a conflict much worse. Again, I have seen all of these destructive things in practice in both church and non-church environments. I have placed them into two categories, as usually people prefer one style of conflict augmenters over others.

Subtle Augments

gossip and “prayer requests” that are really gossip
attempting to bury or ignore hostile feelings
passive aggressiveness
authority first

Continue reading ‘Solving Interpersonal Conflicts Biblically’

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