This is part of an eight part series on the importance of fellowship. Read the other parts here:
Part 8: Unconditional Love
Part 7: Honesty
Part 6: Fighting Superficiality
Part 5: Sanctification
Part 4: Why You Need It (Yes You)
Part 3: Dealing With A Dead or Dying Church
Part 2: Accountability
Part 1: Introduction
I have only switched churches once in my life - and this was not out of any significant doctrinal disagreements, personal problems or discipline - but simply due to an international relocation. We also had plenty of time to select a new church, as we had over a year to prepare for the move. Our criteria for a new church included the following:
- sound biblical teaching, with an emphasis on exposition and inductive methodology
- contemporary, “spirit-led” worship
- emphasis on complementarianism
- evangelism-minded
- small to moderately sized (50-300 persons)
What is missing from the list? At the time, we didn’t even really consider it as an issue of fundamental importance - but fellowship has now become something that is absolutely essential to any church that we are part of. In fact, it has become so primary that our entire view of what “church” is has been changed - to the point where the terms “fellowship” and “church” are functionally inseparable.
What Fellowship Is Not
Part of the reason we came to care less about fellowship was because biblical fellowship takes a very explicit and purposeful effort on behalf of all Christians (leadership and members) in both theological understanding and biblical application. Some churches suffer from theological ignorance (this is not meant to be derogatory) - they do their very best to apply fellowship, but, not having a grasp on that thing which they should apply, their application is a crapshoot at best. Or they understand what biblical fellowship is but are either unwilling to apply it or struggle to understand how to do this.
Where there is ignorance of fellowship, the word “fellowship” will be still be in operation, but it will describe something other than fellowship. It might be potlucks and campouts, church softball games and barbecues or even group retreats and bible studies. But simply being around other Christians is hardly fellowship - non-Christians do this all the time. They gather in groups. They share common interests. They talk.
In his chapter on fellowship in Why Small Groups? (a book I recommend for any Christian, and daresay, would almost mandate for any leader), John Loftness says the following:
In its neglect, Christians have redefined fellowship to mean any warm human interchange — especially when we make connection with someone and discover that we have common interests, experiences, or viewpoints. …Fellowship is not (at least not necessarily) going to a Bible study with someone, or sharing doctrinal commitments, or attending a Christian men’s rally where emotions run deep and passions are high. Fellowship is not found in a “group therapy” session where participants reveal their darkest thoughts—even if everyone in the group is a Christian and brings a Bible. In fact, two Christians can be married to one another and still not experience fellowship.
Consider the last line. People could live together, share meals with one another, bear their souls and even be physically intimate and not be in fellowship.
My Own Account
One of the things about our new church that struck me, almost instantly - was the fellowship, only at the time I didn’t realise this is what attracted me. In fact, I had pretty much given up on fellowship - or at least what I had come to accept as the biblical definition of the term.
For example, I don’t like small talk. I don’t care what you think of the weather. I didn’t come to church to chat with you about the local sports team. Your smile seems fake to me. And I don’t get the impression you care about me when you ask me a couple quick questions, pat me on the back and then move on to the next person to repeat the same routine with them.
Why would I stick around before and after church for this?
Perhaps I want to know what God is doing in your life - and not just that “God is good” - but how is he good? Perhaps I want you to help me with an area where I am weak. Maybe I need a word of real encouragement. Maybe I would like to have a discussion where we consider the grace of God, and how we can know more about it. Maybe we might take some time to work through the finer points of the second coming, how it will look and challenge one another to eagerly await it. It may be that we need correction from one another.
I walked in the doors on our new church and I decided not to play it safe. I began an in-depth conversation right away with one of the guys setting up chairs. I expected a quick change of subject, an uncomfortable look or even a recitation of Isaiah 55:8-9. But the guy seemed just as eager to talk to me about it. We even had some fundamental disagreements about free-will and God’s sovereignty, but we weren’t debating or just conversing for its own sake, we were bringing these subjects into articulation, and subsequently considering what these doctrines meant about how we were to live our lives. It was exhilarating.
The next day, we went on a walk with this church and again, I found myself deep in theological discussion with two members of the church. It didn’t feel like a one-way conversation, where I was imposing this on people who would rather discuss something a little more politically correct. In fact, I was being asked these things and the conversation was being pursued just as excitedly by them. Other members of the church didn’t avoid us like the plague- but it seemed very normal and standard to them.
We became addicted to fellowship very quickly. It made logical sense to open up to such people. Here were people who were actively pursuing the application of God’s word in their lives. Church members, even the pastors, felt no qualms about seeking criticism and constructive input in how they could live holier lives. They wanted correction. Rather than keep me at a safe distance - they wanted me to use the gifts and insights God had given me to help them. And I found the insight and gifts God had given them easier to receive - seeing this tremendous benefit.
This is the budding of fellowship:
In short, fellowship with others begins with an honest, open, obedient relationship with God rooted in the truth of his Word. How we share that relationship with others—how we wrestle with understanding truth and struggle to apply it to our lives—is the essence of fellowship. Thus, fellowship has one source and two channels. The one source is God. The two channels—both to be understood in the light of Scripture—are the work of the Spirit directly in our hearts, and the work of the Spirit through other believers.
Fellowship is a foundational aspect of the Christian walk. I hope to continue to explore fellowship - looking at accountability, church life, small groups and dealing with a lack of fellowship.
Part two here.
Thanks for the article, Colin. My church is currently in a big push to build community, which I think is similar or identical to what you’re calling fellowship. It’s an emphasis that was started a few years ago and has met with varying degrees of success. One area that hasn’t been done well is the small group ministry, which is largely non-existent as far as I’ve seen. I’m starting to see the need for a church to become a genuine community of believers, as opposed to just an organization that provides biblical teaching and corporate praise and worship. There are times when I wish we’d just cancel the traditional Sunday morning service altogether, because I don’t see how it builds community or how it serves any genuine purpose.
The comment about skipping smalltalk and starting straight into meaningful conversations is a good idea. I need to do that more.
Excellent. I must honestly say that early on in my young adult Christian life, I was looking for this. I really never found it. The church I attended, previous to the one I’ve been at for about three years, had a great down home family feel. We had pot luck every Sunday, but discussions around our meals were rarely about spiritual matters. And the church I presently attend as a staff member has little in the way of anything that could be described as “fellowship”. Its getting a little better, but definitely not even close to the kind of culture Colin described here.
I totally related to everything said here. I don’t come to church to talk about sports or politics. If I start talking about politics in a church, forget about it. I’ll run everyone off. They’re definitely not ready for that. No way. In fact, without becoming legalistic about things, I don’t think some things should even be discussed at church. It’s not like there should be rules against talking about certain things; it’s just that some discussions adversely affect the spiritual climate of a church when they become the dominant kinds of conversation. In other words, when people are talking about football, just try to change the subject to Jesus. It just doesn’t work. Conversely if people are talking about Jesus, you’re not easily going to get them into a discussion about the “liberals running Washington.”
For the past few weeks, our church has been doing a study on Grace during our Wednesday night services. I’ve been leading every third one, and afterward we’ve been trying to get people to discuss the lesson. It’s almost like pulling teeth. Sometimes when someone does have a comment, its about something unrelated. This one guy - he’s a good guy and all - but he is always talking about something that happened at work that day. One time we were asking people if they had needs they wanted to pray about, and he said that he heard Obama might be the Antichrist! I’m not kidding. I started laughing out loud, but I was the only one. Then I sorta felt bad.
Honestly, I’d love to be able to put the kind of fellowship described by Colin on my requirements list for a church (I’ll likely be moving across the country in the next 6 months due to a job change). Unfortunately, my fear is that doing so may eliminate ALL churches in my area. True Christian fellowship is not easy to find.
My current church is planning to use Rick Warren’s 40 days of purpose campaign this year, with the intent of shifting the “real” church from Sunday morning to small group meetings. I’m already part of a small group, and feel little fellowship in it. When the question was asked of how one identifies themselves, we got answers like “I like rice”. That’s not an identity, that’s hiding from the group. Of 4 people asked this question, only my wife answered it honestly. Afterward, she told me she felt embarrassed to be the only person in the group who opened up and revealed how she truly identifies herself. After the lesson, only me and the teacher ever talk about the implications of what we just studied. Walking around the “fellowship hall” after the server almost never reveals meaningful discussion, but only small talk.
This is hardly unique to my current church, but is common to pretty much all churches I’ve ever attended. I’m not a big fan of “church shopping” after the first few months after a move. I believe that once one joins a group of believers it is highly preferable to serve that body for its edification rather than hop around constantly. That said, I think I will begin praying now that when we move God will lead us to a church that has this kind of fellowship.
I like rice.
I’m a rice-powered software-developing machine.
I didn’t think I liked rice until I tried it, at age 21.
This is a little bit of a sore subject with me these days, but I’ll try not to be in too bad of a mood about it. The subject of church shopping, that is; not the subject of Christian fellowship.
Our family has been church shopping since January. I live in the buckle of the Bible belt and there is a church on every corner, of every possible denominational tilt, of any size, of any color, etc. An embarrassment of riches, if you will.
My list of requirements for a church is not the same as Colin’s, but I do have a list. My list includes (but is not limited to):
must be nearby–I’m not willing to drive more than 5-8 miles
must have a music style that both my husband and I can tolerate
must have decent musical quality (quality is not the same as style)
must have a building we can tolerate (Two weeks ago we attended a wonderfully friendly church but both my husband and I came out of the service gasping because the sanctuary had low ceilings and NO WINDOWS–great for Texas air conditioning bills, but it was ugly and felt oppressive.)
must have preaching that doesn’t put me to sleep
must have programs that I’m interested in (primarily small groups)
must be theologically tolerable to me and me to them (that is, I am willing to attend a church which I don’t theologically agree 100% with, if they are willing to have me, and not “force” me to accept all their specific doctrines. The last two churches I attended–one for 15 years and one for 8 years–were both in this category. I faithfully attended, served and financially supported, but did not become a full member.)
OK, now that I’ve written that list, who will be the first to call me a consumer?? I know it is true.
As for Christian fellowship, I’m blessed to get the most of that at my place of work. I do want it in my church setting too, but at least I’m not totally bereft of fellowship while I’m church shopping.
Also, I just want to take a bit if exception to criticizing small talk. If you study cultural anthropology, you know that society has social rules about conversations, how to meet new people, etc. There is nothing wrong with following those rules as one begins to make acquaintances and later make friends and later make close friends. The problem is not that our cultural rules say to start with small talk; the problem is when one refuses to go beyond that step or has no desire to have deeper or more meaningful relationships. Small talk has its place in social discourse, even among Christians, but too many people are afraid to go beyond it.
Jew, I have had these same thoughts. Before I went to my current church, I felt almost “weird” and “odd” for thinking these things - envisioning radical changes for the way we do church.
I will say that my current church still emphasises a Sunday morning service - but this is really the beginning of things - not the end of it. We engage in so much more ministry outside of this - small groups, our families, community outreach, independent bible/book studies. In most churches I have encountered, the main thrust or apex at least of getting involved was doing something on Sunday morning. In our church, most ministry is actually done outside of Sunday morning.
Chris, I remember doing this the last year or so at my last church. This is a good beginning to get people to begin to think about how they can apply what has been taught. Ideally, I think it is even better to take smaller groups, and ones that are consistent, and then move from discussion in sort of an abstract, academic way to dealing with it personally, and also using it to challenge and encourage one another in specific ways. I will talk about this more when I get further into the series.
Atanamis, it is funny because I could have put a whole list of churches out for people to go to when friends of mine were looking back in Oregon. After all, there are plenty of churches that have contemporary worship and good teaching.
What is more difficult to find is a church that both understands and practices fellowship. We had some friends asking us about churches and we were at a complete loss for recommendations, because now we see fellowship as essential. We have to just hope that they act within the churches in their area and hopefully encounter leadership that is open to humble correction and suggestions about changes. Unfortunately, it is often pride that prevents real biblical fellowship in the first place - we don’t like being vulnerable and open to others - we like to look perfect, righteous and secure in the eyes of others.
This is offensive in most cultures - especially American culture - where professionally, academically and even in our relationships, we have learned to fake it. I wish you the best in your search.
Let me add that our church is out of the Sovereign Grace movement - which places an intense emphasis on fellowship. We have had to settle for a 90% agreement in theology and some minor differences in issues of style. I have no idea how uniform these churches are - I’m sure there are local variances, and even local problems. But worth checking out if there is one in your area.
Thainamu, I disagree with a lot of your post. What I do agree with, is the honesty with which you have offered it. To be able to speak frankly about what is obviously a big change is admirable.
Perhaps you might be missing some great teaching and fellowship by being too concerned about the music and building? Granted, this may be less of a concern because you do work with other Christians. I think my future pieces may have more to add on some of these issues - so feel free to add your thoughts.
I agree with what you said about small talk. I don’t want to give the impression that it isn’t useful - it is. But as Christians, we should be able to move beyond this very quickly, if not even have it at all. Again, this is an unrealistic ideal - but it is how it should be I think.
Thank you for allowing me to be honest in my implied gripes about churches. I’ll add another one which you will likely also find distasteful: church leadership must have equal or greater than intelligence and education than I have. I can’t bear it if the preacher or SS teacher is ignorant–quoting stories that don’t pass the snopes test, getting facts wrong about Bible history, pretending to know what the Greek really says, having a poor grip on the English language, relying on tired cliches to “prove” something, and so on. I need (and I think my husband even feels more strongly about this particular issue than I do) to be able to intellectually respect those who are teaching and preaching.
Please don’t infer from what I’ve just said that I don’t think I can learn from a child–I just can’t intentionally place myself under the teaching/preaching of someone I don’t respect.
I do want significant Christian fellowship. It is a wonderful thing when one has that blessing. But in my personal recent history, the times and places where I once found it, aside from my place of work, have disappeared, and I hardly have the emotional and spiritual energy to put the effort into finding/creating it again.
Thainamu, I really don’t think that having a highly detailed list of requirements is a good thing. This is why I can’t even include “good fellowship” on my list. I would definitely like this, but really my only real requirements are for a place to serve where my families deepest spiritual needs are not neglected.
When I first chose my current church, my ONLY requirements were a church that accepted the whole of the gospel (sinful men saved from punishment by faith in Christ alone), the Authority of Scripture (what the Bible teaches is more accurate and important than any human philosophy), and a place with needs I could fill. As a result, I joined what I’ve always known to be a deeply flawed church (though one with a very strong vision). While I was single, this wasn’t a problem in the least. Now that I am married, I worry that my wife’s need for Christian fellowship is not fulfilled by this church. If I had young children, I would already have left for a church that prioritized children’s ministry. The terrible attitude of many working in my church’s childrens’s ministry is one I would start my own church rather than subject my children to.
There really are no perfect churches out there. This is why I try to restrict my “requirements” list to those with the right foundation and the right intentions. I have a problem with pastor’s who repeat Snopes stories because I see that as a significant integrity problem. A pastor who can’t even check his illustrations probably isn’t checking his Bible lessons either. He simply doesn’t care about truth enough. That said, a pastor who DOES value truth doesn’t need to be smarter than me. As Bible translators, you may have a REALLY hard time finding one that knows the Bible better than you do.
The things you list are definitely valid as preferences, but if you neglect to participate in the body of Christ because you can’t find the perfect gathering you will never participate. I mean, how many churches do you really have within 5-8 miles? How many of them are in buildings that meet your requirements? Add in quality and style of music, and you’re probably down to a very small number of choices before the sermon even begins. I’m not sure I’ve heard a pastor yet who doesn’t at least occasionally put me to sleep. I think your position on doctrine at least is a sound one.
Perhaps it would make sense to talk to a few neighbors and start your own house church? It would likely be the best way to get everything you want, and would probably be more accurate to the New Testament model as well. Just a thought!
Yes, I know there are no perfect churches. And if there were, they would cease to be as soon as I started attending.
When my children were young, their needs were what we were concerned about the most. In fact, we attended a church for over two years that we really didn’t like, because they had a wonderful children’s program with many adults putting lots of effort into it. When we finally left that church we taught in the children’s programs of the next church to help ensure that our own children were well-taught. We stayed in that church until it dissolved.
Children’s needs are just one of the practical issues that need to be considered when church shopping. There are other practical issues too, and I’m man enough to admit that I care about the practical issues along with the “spiritual” ones.
Atanamis, you might underestimate how many churches are in my area. I don’t know a number, but it is a lot. The big churches have good buildings, good music and educated leadership, but are either too liberal or so big you can vanish into the woodwork or harp too much on church membership. We can find little churches that are great with friendliness and doctrine, but the music hurts my ears. But yes, I get your point–no matter how many there are, none will meet my list of “requirements” entirely.
And no, we won’t start our own church. The body of Christ is already fragmented enough without me adding to that particular problem. Besides, I’m too lazy–churches are a lot of work, I know that. (I would be open to starting a new Bible study/cell group/small group.)
Ok, I should quit ranting. Eventually we will find a place and we’ll stay put. Maybe I’m ranting because I’m still grieving a little from leaving the last church.
Thainamu, I think you are going about this the wrong way - if I can be so forward in saying so. I can definitely relate to your desire to find a church that meets your qualifications; in fact, I’m sure all of us can identify with that.
But here is my advice. Be open to attending a church that is far less than perfect. Be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I’m not saying that as a cliche. I’m saying like, for real, be open to the guidance of the one who indwells you to lead you and guide you into all truth. The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord (Proverbs 20:27). He’s in there for a reason. He’ll enlighten you from the inside. If you think he is going to lead you into the place that you want, you’re probably going to be disappointed. And I say that on the basis of the detailed list you’ve provided.
I take from your previous posts that you have quite a bit of history serving God. You could and should be a real blessing somewhere. But if you are looking for a place that is going to bless you, you may just overlook it.
But here is something I really think you should consider. In fact, if you had to pick one thing to listen to me about it should be this: weigh carefully the reason(s) for leaving your previous church. Whatever the history of that is, don’t try to carry that baggage into a new church. That must be dealt with first. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about here. Even if you do find the church you’re looking for, you won’t be happy until you’ve adequately addressed this. And your husband should be involved in the process.
Now I’m not going to say that my relationship with God is any better than anyone else’s, but I will say this: when I pray I get results. I can know that for myself, but I can’t know it for someone else. I approach him with the full confidence that he hears me, and if I ask anything according to his will I am assured that I have the answer (1 John 5:14,15). Remember, Jesus said that when we pray we should believe that we receive (present tense) what we ask for and we shall (future tense) have it (Mark 11:24). In other words, we believe before we see it come to pass. Also, Jesus, the head of the Church, said if two of us ask about anything and agree in our prayer we would have what we ask for. Notice there is no disclaimer here. So we can break it down like this: we have his will which is evident, in the sense that we know he wants you to be a valuable contribution to the body of Christ. Then we have your will, which ideally would be in agreement with his. And then you have my will, which pertaining to this matter of your finding a church, is definitely in agreement with his.
So here is what I’m going to do. I am going to pray. I am going to pray that you will find a church that you are right for, not necessarily one that is right for you. All that is lacking is your agreement with me, and you will definitely - without a doubt - find a church. I could promise you but it really isn’t necessary. Jesus already promised and he is infinitely more credible than I am.
Chris, I appreciate your concern for me and your willingness to pray for me in my need to find a new church home. If you do pray for this matter, please pray for all concerned. I’m part of a bigger unit–it isn’t just me who is in the picture. I think I’ll know I’ve found the right place when all involved agree (without being coerced). Thank you.