Churches around the country have become alarmed at the number of people from their congregations who have divorced—and they’ve decided to do something about it (besides whining). City-wide and county-wide churches are banding together to develop Community Marriage policies. In short, this means that clergy from participating churches refuse to perform “quickie” weddings and will not marry any couple until they have participated in a minimum amount of premarital counseling. The premarital counseling includes several months of marriage preparation classes, the use of testing instruments to learn more about each other, study of scripture, and meeting with a mentor couple.
Marriage Savers
Many Community Marriage Policies are patterned after those designed by an organization called Marriage Savers. This group began in 1996 and now boasts over 200 cities/counties which have made community marriage policies. The goal of the organization is to “prepare, strengthen, and restore” marriages. Their goals are achieved via two main emphases: encouraging communities to developing marriage policies and training mentor couples who can provide an example of a good marriage as well as real-life help in solving marriage difficulties. The organization believes that divorce can be avoided with community support. Their website includes many helpful resources, both personal and community-based. The founders also do not shy away from trying to sway public policy. They have posted articles calling for a change in the universal no-fault divorce laws and a challenge to presidential candidates to reduce welfare rolls.
An Example from Oregon
An organization called Every Marriage Matters was founded in June 2001 when over half of the clergy from Clackamas County in Oregon signed the Clackamas County Marriage Policy. They claim impressive results in just a short time, showing that a community working together can actually make a difference:
An increase in the health of marriage could be measured indirectly by a reduction in the divorce reate. The Clackamas County divorce rate fell by 15% during the first 4 years. As a matter of reference, over this same period, the US divorce rate dropped 5%.
It’s Just Between You and Me and Everyone
If it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to keep a marriage together. It is faulty thinking that a marriage is just between two people or that a divorce is, either. I applaud those who see the bigger picture and are aware of how much divorce hurts individuals, churches, and even whole communities. I support those churches and communities who act on the premise that marriages benefit from the involvement of church and friends who provide good examples, good advice and good practical help in dealing with inevitable pressures and difficulties.
You know, a few weeks ago I commented that I found absurd and against my experience studies showing Christians with equal divorce rates to non-Christians. However, after recently finding out that two Christian friends have had their wives cheat on them with the husband’s best friend (professing Christians, no less), I think I withdraw my past comment. Furthermore, I know of two other Christian friends who have had their wives leave them after only a month or two of marriage.
Someone needs to start training some solid Christian women in marriage preparation, this is really getting disgusting.
I wonder if this uptick in unfaithfulness from wives is due in part to the culture teaching us that men/husbands/fathers are sex-driven animals while women are innocent victims. Coupled with our society’s mantra of “you deserve what you want,” marriages don’t stand a chance.
Darius, your emotional reaction to your friends’ sad situations reminds me of the first time I heard of close friends getting divorced (and of course, back in the day when I was your age, divorce was not nearly as common as it is today). I was devastated. It felt so personal to me and I just couldn’t believe it. And then, as it happened more as the years went by, I came to actually ponder, “If it happened to them, it could happen to us. What makes me and my marriage safe if theirs wasn’t?” It hurt a lot, and still does.
I’m sorry for your friends’ loss, a loss on multiple levels.
But, I don’t quite agree with your statement, “Someone needs to start training some solid Christian women in marriage preparation, this is really getting disgusting.” because, of course, it isn’t just women who need this preparation. I would guess the rates of unfaithfulness are actually higher among men, but in any case, it is too high for both genders.
I find it interesting that some Christian young people (and some not so young) have taken the attitude that so many Christians are getting divorced that the only way to avoid it is to not marry at all.
I’m not a culture warrior, but I think its obvious that culture can and has corrupted the good morals of Christians. It shouldn’t be the case, but it is. One historical and biblical example is the Corinthian church, where there was rampant sexual immorality. Paul said that immoral sexuality had been “commonly reported” among them. Corinth was well-known as a wild town, and the cultural values of the place had no doubt influenced the church to some extent.
That’s what we’re looking at, I think. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life (worldliness) has infiltrated the church. Divorce is much more acceptable in Christian circles than it was just a generation or two ago. I have been very dismayed to hear about some of the high-profile ministers who have divorced lately. I’m not judging them, but it is a grievous thing to hear about.
Thainamu, I didn’t mean that men don’t also need marriage prep, but that so much of the focus today in the Christian community is on making sure that men are pure, staying away from porn, treating their wives with love, while relatively little is done for women. Plus, young women get the idea that since all the focus is on the men, that men must be the “bad” gender and ladies just need to worry about getting the right wedding dress and bouquet. This bogus assumption that men are more prone to unfaithfulness* (in my own observations, at least half of marital infidelity, both emotional and physical, has actually been on the wife’s part) needs to be eradicated. Both men AND women are fallen creatures, and neither is more prone to sin than the other. Men are more likely than women to cheat on their spouse for purely sexual reasons, but women are more likely to cheat on their spouse for emotional reasons.
*Unfaithfulness here is defined as emotionally and/or physically intimate relations with another real person, thus not including such sins as pornography.
“Someone needs to start training some solid Christian women in marriage preparation, this is really getting disgusting.”
A pastor friend of mine divorced after his wife cheated on him. They had been married a number of years, and she grew up in a Christian home. They had two children, and she left them to be with her new fiance. Shortly thereafter, she married him. But its not just women. Just as many men, if not more, are to blame.
It may not just be a question of whether more men are unfaithful than women or vice versa. Some (Dr. Laura Schlessinger among them) would say that the primary blame behind a men being unfaithful or divorcing is often his wife and how she treats him. Not to excuse the man’s response, but the wife doesn’t have to cheat to wreck a marriage.
Someone needs to start training some solid Christian women in marriage preparation, this is really getting disgusting.
Darius, I fully agree with you here. I think you are probably reacting to the specific situation you reference, but my wife and both have been looking at the history here and, while of course men have had their fair share of lapsed, it seems that the modern feminist movement has been dong a great disservice to women as helpers in the marriage. The two headed beast that feminism has created, and of course individual women buying the lie, has made marriages into cannibalizing feasts.
^^^ sigh ^^^ me again…
Well, I’m hoping we will hear from the real Sadie too!
Darius said, “Men are more likely than women to cheat on their spouse for purely sexual reasons, but women are more likely to cheat on their spouse for emotional reasons.”
The illustration in my article just about says it all, in my opinion, when it comes to reasons for cheating. People have some wacky ideas about what marriages is going to be like, for instance,
I’m going to have hot sex every day for the rest of my life.
I’m going to be told how wonderful I am for the rest of my life.
I’ll find all my emotional needs met in my spouse.
I’m going to be nice and my spouse is going to be nice all the time, because, well, that’s what God wants.
I wonder if people started out thinking of marriage as a business partnership, things might be more stable. They would be pleasantly surprised with all the nice physical and emotional things that come along as a result of keeping the business agreement healthy.
And as with most business partnerships, there is a confidentiality that needs to be adhered to. This seems to be where women (at least, the ones I have seen) go wrong: they share intimate details of their marriage with another man. Thus, in the two situations I’ve observed, the person with whom the wife cheated was the best friend of the husband. Wives (and husbands) need to realize that you don’t share intimate details of your life with someone of the opposite gender. This can start out very innocently (”You’re his best friend, what can I do to help my relationship with him grow?”), but almost always leads to trouble. You wouldn’t do it in a business arrangement; to share company secrets would be worthy of getting fired. So why do it in a marriage?
“Wives (and husbands) need to realize that you don’t share intimate details of your life with someone of the opposite gender.”
Good point. This is just one reason why women need girlfriends. This woman didn’t know (or maybe wouldn’t accept) what appropriate boundaries are.
Another reason women need girlfriends is so that women can help meet each others’ emotional needs (and often the need is for nothing more than to talk). That way husbands don’t have to feel inadequate/guilty/frustrated when they can’t do so. That goes back to the point of the article–a marriage is strengthened by appropriate outsiders; a marriage can’t survive and be healthy if it is just two people because the spouses both have needs that can’t be met inside the marriage.
I’m sure it’s not a huge factor in the divorce rate but I think parents with solid marriages need to be more open with their teens/young adults about what marriage is truly like, too. What I mean is - the early years of marriage can be very rocky as a couple goes through the process of becoming one but frequently children don’t see very much of that. The marriage matures at the same rate as the kids do. When I look at my parents and grandparents, their marriages seem so perfect. The first time my mother shared a story about a conflict in their marriage that occured before I’d been born, I was surprised but relieved. They went through exactly the same things we were going through. That’s very reassuring
I think young adults get lectured about marriage being work but they don’t really believe it because they are frequently still in the “in love” stage of their relationship. Having real life examples from people you look up to (mentors) makes a difference.
Marriage sounds like a lot of work. Is there an easier option for lazy people like me?
Ssamwise said, “the early years of marriage can be very rocky as a couple goes through the process of becoming one but frequently children don’t see very much of that. The marriage matures at the same rate as the kids do.”
You’ve made a really good point here which I never really thought of before. But it was really true for me–our first year of marriage was definitely the worst! I had some wrong expectations (and we were also poor, in college, moving overseas, etc. that first year, which added lots of stress).
A bit later, having a baby made a huge difference in my attitude. It would take me a while to explain what I mean by that, but in short, I had something really important and personally satisfying to do (taking care of that precious baby) in an arena where I didn’t need to compete with my husband. Also, I had another important someone to love and be loved by, which met some of my own emotional needs.
Hmm, I’ve just said all that here, and it was hard enough; how would I communicate that to my own children???
Jew said, “Is there an easier option for lazy people like me?”
You could be a missionary! I mean a real missionary–the kind they don’t make anymore–and single-mindedly serve the Lord, immune from the cares of this world.
Hi y’all. It’s really me this time. Thainamu, the article was interesting. However, I have my doubts about what a community focus or agreement about marriage would actually do long term to improve marriage. The majority of the martial breakdowns that have happened over the last century are, in my opinion, closely related to the subsequent rise of feminism.
*In the past, traditional roles in marriage served as a stabilizing force and society in general supported the reasons behind marriage (raising children, teamwork etc.)
*Marriage should be less about being “in love” and “happy” and should be more focused on “working as a team.” Currently, most of the younger generation lacks this concept, as they have been trained to think “it’s all about me and what I want in life.” The result is two people working against each other instead of in tandem.
Churches should focus more on the biblical roles for both men and women because the marriage relationship is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church. Until the church begins to counteract feminism, Christian marriages will continue to result in an equal divorce rate as non Christian marriages.
Jew: “Marriage sounds like a lot of work. Is there an easier option for lazy people like me?”
Yes…you could live with me the rest of your life!
Divorce rates would plummit if we would simply go back to the “good ole days”. A wife is not able to own property, vote, etc. She would become dependent on her husband, and would think twice about leaving the hand that fed her.
Women have too many “rights” today. They have too much time and money on their hands. If the husband controlled all the money, the home, their wife, women wouldn’t be leaving them. They wouldn’t be sitting around with their “girlfriends” looking for sympathy. The husband would have them at home, doing what they are suppossed to be doing: cooking, cleaning, taking care of children, sewing clothes, gardening, etc.
Men need to step up and take control. They have no one to blame but themselves. A wife doesn’t need a car. She can grocery shop when her husband is at home. If it is a true emergency, she can call 911.
Women left to themselves with free time, will only bring shame to their husbands!
Well said, Jane. Your sarcasm is an inspiration to us all (or at least me). Combating the feminist movement is not the answer. Focusing on “biblical roles” is not the answer. Loving and valuing your partner sounds like a good solution. But I’m single, so what would I know?
Jane, I don’t think Sadie, or anyone else here, would advocate what you have said. No one thinks women are lower class humans or lower class citizens or lower class spouses.
I agree with Sadie when she says that churches should focus on Biblical roles for men and women, but of course, it isn’t that easy. Believers don’t themselves agree on what exactly those roles are in theory, let alone in practice. But even so, thankfully, the Bible says a lot about how believers are to act–both in marriage and in general, so we are not without a useful guide, even if we can’t all agree on the precise details.
“Feminism” is a broad-brush term, so I don’t throw it around lightly. If it weren’t for some form of feminism, we still wouldn’t be able to vote. However, radical feminism has confused a lot of things for both Christians and non-christians–men and women don’t know what to expect of each other anymore in marriage or anywhere.
And in the end, women (yes, almost all women) want marriage and children–even if, or in spite of, “having it all” in terms of education, career, promotions, respect from male coworkers, equal pay, etc.
Just to counteract the “marriage is lots of work” and “the first year is the worst” ideas floating around, my parents have said they never understood all that… once they were married, everything was happy and comfortable.
Sadie and I can confirm that the first year of our marriage was the rockiest.
I would agree that the first year of my marriage was likely the most difficult… of course, we’re only in our 5th year now, so we don’t have much to compare it against.
My wife and I are IN our first year of marriage, and I wouldn’t really say it has been much harder than moving in with a new roommate. On the one hand, the issues we are dealing with are more important and impacting on our lives. On the other though, we are both committed to the relationship unreservedly and DO make a major effort to care about the needs and feelings of one another. I made a commitment to her in my wedding vows that all my plans and actions would take her needs as primary importance, and I meant it. No other plan or dream of mine means anything compared to her needs.
Personally, I’d put the blame for the current divorce rate almost entirely on men. There are many reasons for this, starting with the fact that the man is ordained by God as leader of the family. If a company has massive internal problems, the CEO gets the blame. A husband is called by God to sacrificially and unconditionally love his wife as Christ loved the church. Why do wives normally stray? Because their husband is failing to meet their emotional needs. Why do men stray? Because someone younger or prettier catches their eye. Kinda sounds like these are both the guys fault, doesn’t it?
A loving husband will be putting his wife’s needs before his own interests, his own dreams, and his career. Paul specifically indicated that he didn’t want to marry because it would impact his ministry. What does this say then about men whose marriages DON’T impact their ministry or career? I would be interested in traveling for work (doing consulting), but this is something I would NEVER do if it would hurt by wife. Men can gripe all they want about needing “well trained women”, but if they want a good marriage they must be willing to make a commitment to their wife second only to their commitment to God.
Atanamis said: “Paul specifically indicated that he didn’t want to marry because it would impact his ministry. What does this say then about men whose marriages DON’T impact their ministry or career?”
I’ve never heard it put quite like that before. I’ll have to remember that.
I would put most of the blame on feminism, and then equally on men and women. Men today are MORE in tune to the emotional needs of their wives (how could you not be with today’s “women-first” culture?), yet women are more unfaithful than ever before. A hundred years ago, men didn’t have much of a clue what kind of emotional needs women had, but they did spend a lot more time together.
“Why do wives normally stray? Because their husband is failing to meet their emotional needs.”
And because those wives selfishly put their emotional needs before holiness, righteous, faithfulness, etc. Kinda sounds like it’s their fault as well. The “he made me do it” defense doesn’t even hold water with children, why would we allow it to do so with adults?
The blame for failing marriages cannot be placed wholly on either men or women. Obviously, each case is different for each marriage.
The basis of this article showed that it is a societal problem and suggested that a societal solution (such as community marriage policies) may be the solution. American society (since the rise of feminism in the 70’s specifically) has changed the way that marriage relationships are viewed and roles within them. To clarify: men and women no longer have societally excepted gender roles (i.e. moms take care of kids, and fathers work.) I would suggest that these roles in the past have been a stabilizing force in many homes. The removal of roles (regardless of if you agree with them) has caused less defined expectations in marriages. Clear expectations are important in any marriage regardless of religion.
The fact that Christian divorce rates parallel those of the larger “society is indeed sad. The Bible provides clearly defined roles for both men and women in many aspects of life. Yet, today many churches skirt the issue and do not focus on teaching them clearly because of fear of offending both men and women. God has ordained an order for family lives and for martial roles. Christian men and women are called to fulfill these roles REGARDLESS of their spouses attitude or actions. Christian marriage is to be a reflection of the beautiful relationship of Christ and the church. If a wife were to stop loving and submitting to her husband because he no longer loved her as Christ loved the church it would be a misrepresentation of God’s plan. There is no “if you do this then I will do this” in our relationship with Christ. It is based on unconditional love and submission. The marriage relationship should parallel Christ’s relationship with the church.
Exactly, Sadie.
And in the end, women (yes, almost all women) want marriage and children
The problem with saying things like this over and over in an attempt to counteract radical feminism is that it kind of leaves by the wayside those women who were somehow created by God without that overriding desire for marriage and children. I understand the desire to be helpful to the most people possible, but it can still be incredibly frustrating.
I’m not convinced it’s generally helpful for either side to be telling women what they really want; most people I know are actually pretty well acquainted with their own desires, whether or not they act on them, subject them to biblical principles, etc.
Also, I have a small question about this discussion in general; is the argument that radical feminism makes women selfishly pursue their own desires, or that radical feminism lies to women about their own desires? The two don’t seem to be compatible, but I’m seeing both here.
Divorce is caused by lack of commitment to the relationship. Period. End of discussion. A committed couple WILL make whatever changes are necessary to save the marriage. I like to argue. In fact, I really, really enjoy arguing. If my enjoyment of arguing causes pain to my wife though, I will stop. The same it true of video games, career goals, even ministry goals. Is anyone honestly suggesting that husbands who love their wives sacrificially and unconditionally have a high divorce rate?
I’m in no way excusing women for their wrongdoing. It is NEVER permissible to cheat on your spouse physically or emotionally. In fact, I highly question the advisability of remarriage after a divorce (second marriages DO have a far higher failure rate).
That said, man up and take responsibility for your family. I am sick of our culture of girly men who complain that its always someone else’s fault when their family falls apart. You are the leader, it’s your responsibility. Don’t blame “feminism” for your inability or unwillingness to be a good leader in your home.
If a Christian woman does not have the desire for marriage and children (and you notice that in my original statement I did leave room for those who don’t), then she should consider herself blessed by God with the gift of celibacy and use that gift to God’s glory. I work with a number of wonderful, non-frustrated women who would fit in that category.
I don’t know what others are saying, but I am definitely saying that radical feminism lies to women about their own desires; or more to the point, lies about how easy or even possible it is to “have it all.” I’m not talking about believers specifically here, just women in general. Many women have accepted the idea that to be fulfilled in our modern world they should get an education, get a job, make good money, get more education, get a better job, get a promotion, own the company, etc. just because they are just as capable–maybe more so–than the men around the place. That men are optional, marriage is optional, children are definitely optional.
I don’t think radical feminism takes biology and sociology into account well enough; successful women nearing middle age often start hearing the biological clock telling them they feel empty in spite of all the successes they’ve had.
I apologize if I offended you in any way. Like I said, I know and admire many happy unmarried women (and of course, I know some who aren’t so happy). Marriage is like being a missionary–you should avoid it if you can. By that I mean that if the Spirit inside a person is not clearly leading them into marriage or missionary life, they would do well to avoid the problems both vocations bring.
I apologize if I offended you in any way. Like I said, I know and admire many happy unmarried women (and of course, I know some who aren’t so happy). Marriage is like being a missionary–you should avoid it if you can. By that I mean that if the Spirit inside a person is not clearly leading them into marriage or missionary life, they would do well to avoid the problems both vocations bring.
No, you didn’t offend me. I find I have to be careful in discussions on this particular topic, because the environment in which I grew up has, quite honestly, provoked a small amount of backlash on my part; I need to watch and make sure I don’t come across more harshly than I intend to.
Here’s the thing. From my point of view, both conservative Christians and radical feminists spend inordinate amounts of time telling women what it is they really want. It’d be nice if we could move past “Most women want to get married and have kids,” since in the end, it doesn’t matter how many women get married and have kids. What matters is whether the couple accept the corresponding responsibilities for making those commitments, to uphold the marriage and raise the children.
In my opinion, feminism has leveled the playing field, giving women just as much freedom (legally, financially) to ignore commitments and vows to husband and family as men have really always had. The solution is not a “Look, feminism is Teh Evil!!” mindset, it’s to teach men and women both to give priority to those vows and commitments over the desires of the individual. In fact, even defined gender roles are really just a tool to reach this end.
Ardith said, “In my opinion, feminism has leveled the playing field, giving women just as much freedom (legally, financially) to ignore commitments and vows to husband and family as men have really always had.”
Yep, that for sure true. I’m still of the mindset that men cheat more than women, but that’s because of my age.
I know a sad case where a friend of mine should have left the marriage, IMHO, because of years of infidelity, giving her an STD, etc. But she didn’t leave for financial and “I don’t want to rock the boat” reasons. Of course, that is between her and God, but I pretty sure I wouldn’t have been so generous (or stupid, depending on how you want to look at it). That kind of abuse by the husband is probably less likely to be tolerated by women of your age.