Comments on: I said I was sorry!

By: Samwise

Samwise — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:56:17 +0000

That is really interesting. I never thought about it before but this would explain the many times Craig has apologized that never were satisfactory to me. He tends to jump straight to #3 & if I’m still not happy reverts to #1. But all I really want is #4. To me, an “I’m sorry” means nothing unless one is willing to work at preventing such incidents in the future. However, #4 can be fairly dissatisfying, too, if it’s the 2nd, 3rd, etc. such time - because I just can’t believe it anymore.

As for your first step to apologizing; “agree on the facts of what wrong was committed” - I agree that that is critical as well. Any form/language of apology is useless if you don’t feel they are apologizing for what offended you. An “I’m sorry for upsetting you” isn’t the same as “I’m sorry I did/said such and such & upset you.”

By: Colin Elliott

Colin Elliott — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 19:16:38 +0000

I’m a 3 man myself. I wonder if it’s a male thing? Maybe we like to do something to fix the problem. btw, samwise, that means your husband is really sorry if he wan’t to do #3.

By: Samwise

Samwise — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 19:32:22 +0000

I figure apology languages have the same principle the love languages do - that we tend to speak our language to others. So, Hubby’s language is #3 (what I’ll try to learn to speak to him) whereas mine is #4 (once he understands that, he can try to speak it, too). But we can both be a lot more understanding/forgiving when we don’t speak the right apologies because we know where the other person is coming from.

How many language books has Gary Chapman come out with now? There’s quite a handful, isn’t there?

By: Atanamis

Atanamis — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 21:41:15 +0000

I tend to throw #1 around, because it is personally pretty meaningless and I hope it will get me off the hook with people who care whether I regret that the whole thing happened. #2 is the most meaningful to me, but also the hardest for me to do. I guess I just care more about being right sometimes than any of the other elements.

By: Sadie

Sadie — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 00:41:51 +0000

It’s funny because I had lunch with my friend and she and her husband are reading the love languages book and enjoying it. It’s interesting about what Colin said about “guys liking to do something” about apologizing and I think it is also one of the primary ways they give and recieve love. Which makes me wonder what evidence there is that men and women are hard-wired to prefer certain solutions from the beginning. It seems like it really fits into God’s plan for men and women.

By: thainamu

thainamu — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:26:06 +0000

There is one chapter in this book about apologizing in the workplace. The author brings up a very interesting topic about doctors who apologize. He cites a situation at the U of Michigan Health Systems where they have been “encouraging doctors to apologize when they make mistakes of either judgment or action. As a result, the system’s annual attorney fees have since dropped from thee million to one million dollars and malpractice lawsuits and notices of intent to sue have fallen from 262 in 2001 to about 130 per year.”

That is amazing to me, but I can certainly see it. Doctors have a lot of power over our lives, and when we are traumatized either physically or emotionally by their mistakes, it would be nice to hear a real apology. “I was wrong, I”m sorry. I hope I never do that to you again or any other patient of mine. I hope you can forgive me and you don’t have to pay for this visit.”

By: Jew

Jew — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:48:54 +0000

That’s really interesting. I assumed that if a doctor apologized and admitted mistakes, he would open himself up to malpractice lawsuits. Apparently that’s not the case.

By: thainamu

thainamu — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:05:04 +0000

That very point was mentioned in the book. The traditional advice from an attorney is to make no response and for there to be no interaction between the doctor and the hurt patient. But the author gives a number of examples where lawsuits have been dropped because the doctor openly admitted his mistake and clearly communicated his regret. The author mentions the book Healing Words: The Power of Apology in Medicine. Here is a review of that book (taken from the Amazon site).:

Written by a fellow of the American College of Surgeons, Healing Words: The Power of Apology in Medicine is a call to doctors and medical professionals everywhere to question the widespread belief that an apology is an admission of guilt and an open door to a costly lawsuit. Woods reveals how the value of a proper apology and cultivated communication skills can actually prevent lawsuits, and promote emotional healing in doctors, patients, and patient’s families even in the wake of terrible medical tragedies. Healing Words discusses the components of a proper apology, how doctors can improve their ability to communicate with patients, matters of medical ethics, and much more. Strongly recommended for physicians, Healing Words is a much-needed counterbalance to the defensive hostility widely promulgated by today’s modern sue-happy society.